screaming silence

today

2011-11-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

Maybe it is the Occupy Protests going on, the case that I got dismissed with prejudice, or the prospect of symbolically moving forward & transitioning into a new chapter of my life.

Might be in my head, but there is a swarming energy that is bubbling inside of me that is confusing as much as it is exciting. I guess that is what it means when people say that life becomes more seemingly complicated the older one gets. My parents seem more human and it is in my blood relationships that I am realizing the sometimes created relationship lines that we draw on the basis of being related. I don't know what to make of things that have been happening the last couple of days. The moments of clarity where I am convinced that I cannot settle for less, that I deserve to be where I am today, and that I all that I have worked for and struggled for are seeming to fall into place.

But most importantly, I am realizing how important it is to relish in the imperfection of writing something before my mind conveniently organizes thoughts into themes and neatly organized words.

Reflection

2011-08-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

To put things in context, this weekend was a great one with the gals on Saturday (beach time, dinner, and bonding) and a fun & eventful day with a dear highschool friend. We went to Governor's Island, walked around, and then ate Lobster rolls at a restaurant nearby. Both Saturday and Sunday were filled with an entire afternoon of conversation and discussion about the personal work that we are doing, I am continuing to process.

Each year I find myself surprised that I need to reflect. I graduated, took an exam that consumed my summer and my head space, and here I sit in NYC- the incredibly busy but lonely city- thinking about what is next. I am working on trying to appreciate what I already have. Trust! Unfortunately, I find myself constantly thinking. Even in my dreams.

Lately, I have been having a number of disturbing dreams which all include spirits/ghosts trying to enter my body while I am sleeping. Yesterday, they numbered more than 2 and had a masculine energy. Throughout the dream, I am fighting the spirits from entering my body- leaving me both anxious and tired in the aftermath of waking up.

It has been driving me crazy and now I find myself at 1:35 in the morning, writing it down. Dreams for me, have always been an important way of understanding relationships and life stages in ways that I am oblivious to, in my conscious state. So, all the reason to listen to how my body is responding to external stimuli.

I find myself wanting to escape all of my education and all of what I am supposed to do, so that I can retreat into a little cocoon and have nothing to do with other people. It is in this conviction, that I believe that only I have the answer to how to move forward. This, of course, is delusional. No way in heck that I can do anything that this world wants me to do, alone... even if I wanted to do that thing, alone.

So, this is my story of trying to escape thinking too much.

i forgot

2011-01-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

i forgot how easily it is to get caught up in trying to stay warm and healthy during the winter- that it become doubly more challenging to do everything that you are supposed to be doing. i can't wait for the springtime... when it comes, i think i'm going to yelp like an endangered bird. hehe. awww. next to me at the coffee shop there is a highschool couple getting cuddly... probably because this is the only place that they have privacy... kind of distracting but also a little cute. so, i guess everytime i'm feeling distracted, i'll resort to this blog... again... so that i can feel like i'm ont just consuming a bunch of things but that i'm also in the process of creation. yadiggggz?

this place i call home.

2009-10-10T10:33:00.001-07:00

in new york, it is inevitable that you will meet the people at the top of their industries. driven, ambitious, inspiring. the caveat is, upholding this lifestyle requires certain degree drunken stupor, cocaine addiction, or a constant state of transience- whether it is in relationships, living situations, jobs... it is a constant hustle. as i have maintained a distance from a new york life of extremes, i am homesick for a more moderate lifestyle.

strong women at their most vulnerable states

2009-09-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

over the past few years, i've seen the strongest of strong strong strong women, crack. the constant masks we wear- friend, professional, artist, caregiver, significant other, breadwinner- are things that we are not only expected to be but also things that we expect from ourselves. i am learning that to be strong for ourselves, our families, and our communities- can be an emotional sacrifice if we let upholding the perception of strength, consume us.

the pretentious-ness that is new york

2009-09-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

yeh, and i bet you are about to tell me that pretentious-ness is not a word...
sometimes i can't stand living in a city filled with people chasing their dreams. people that never seem to be content with what they are doing or where they are. i am not excluding myself from that group. but, i will say that experiencing intellectual-artsy fartsy snobbery is never fun.

every little thing

2009-09-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

who would've thunk that articulating the obvious to one side a
could cause the other side b-the one in the romantic drama that could not reciprocally follow the thoughtful lead of side a- to rethink what they have thought their whole life. including but not limited to: thinking beyond thoughts and experiencing feelings and emotions in its raw purity.

who you sweatin'?

2009-08-29T22:47:00.001-07:00

i've been waking up in the middle of the night wrought with anxiety. not good! i have this constant feeling that i need to finish something or be working or doing something! i am only one week into school and i'm already stressed with work. i'm finishing work for the training tomorrow... and i see myself falling into perfectionist mode...

it just needs to get done. yes?

this past month has been full of transitions. organizational things, friendship things, school things. the whole gamut. it has been an interesting journey... and it ain't over yet. i've been needing to make decisions and assert myself in ways that i have not before...

what a challenge.

umm

2009-03-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

when will the constant cycle of song and dance end?

daring

2009-03-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

i vow to let go of control and without judgment on my end, allow another person to tap into my emotions and assist me to burst at my seams.

shine your light on the world to see...

2009-02-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

professionalism and interviews, to say the least, rarely if ever capture this light.

everybody knows what the song's about

2009-02-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

yesiree. things and people that impact you that deeply are hard to forget.

hella sentimental

2009-01-17T13:37:00.000-08:00

my family is soooo sentimental. it totally rubs off on me, and hence, i too am sentimental. i just arrived in new york after spending about one month with my parents and my sister. i miss them! i hate goodbyes at the airport, they are always so emotional. reminds me of whenever my sister and i would leave california and ball everytime my cousins and aunts and uncles would drop us off at the airport. my parents are so loving, they do not hold back. seriously. granted we have our own ish, we argue about politics all of the time, and are very exaggerated and melodramatic when respond to things. think mall, think bipartisanship, think everything in between. but i already miss home!

so. relieved.

2009-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

holler! so relieved at this one step. know that i need to work even harder next time. anyways, have been indulging in really mindnumbing and entertaining television & of course, dance videos on youtube. i am totally intrigued by dancers and their ability to stretch and push their bodies to the limit. i think i am attracted to these more extraverted arts because i am someone that is more introverted. so it is refreshing to see something that is externally expressive.

weekly doos

2009-01-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

m: 10 cover letters
t: lunch als, clean floor of closet/design & decal/paint?
w: design & decal/ paint?
th: clothes to give away/article doos
f: article
s: bday
s/m/t: take bus back to mi

home home home

2009-01-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

i'm sure that most people that have moved at least once or twice in their lives understand what it is like to 'return' back to the memory of what you lived and breathed every day of your life for however long you've lived there. it is a very strange but comforting. i'm back in chicago propped up 15 stories in the sky... where i can literally see the city lights blinking back at me. ahhh. i love it. tomorrow i'm planning to hit up the coffee shop across the street to work on resumes and cover letters... or walk on over to the infamous coffee spot... where the regulars sometimes make themselves feel too comfortable (think walking around barefoot! griimmmmmy). i miss the more laid back atmosphere of chicago and also the cleanliness and fresh(er) air.

so it is written!

2009-01-03T03:50:00.000-08:00

i love organization and lists. soooo much more effective than storing it in my head.

yeeeee

2009-01-02T23:55:00.000-08:00

right now, as i am mad procrastinating... even though i just read NUMEROUS articles about the art of procrastination and the psychology of essentially being fearful of failure or your own power, i sit here... feeling like i need to reflect before i can move on.

i'm in michigan right now, brring in my room. it was grandma's bday today, and aside from her trying to hook me up with her grandson (no worries, not blood related), it was refreshing to see so many kids running amuck and adults jamming to filipino folk songs on the guitar, keyboard, and voice!

i am grateful for this year, the people i met in nawlins, the people i met through work, and the people i've met through school. i took up swimming and yoga and was actually consistent! woohoo! i am counting this break as an exercise hiatus. muah. i felt like i expended as much energy and work into you know what... now i'll just have to see if that is reflected in my you know what...
besides the fact that everyone and their mama are having babies or getting married, i am perfectly content with the singles in new york. hah. i don't feel weird for not being in a romantic relationship. on the same token, it makes it not as pressing of a concern. sometimes i find myself lamenting over it just to lament. umm, thus far, i am thankful for the choices i've made in my life to move forward with blazing my own path as opposed to falling into the trap of settling down and producing babies.

yah, so there you have it. that is just thought spillage i needed to get off of my chest before i could put myself in 'work' mode.

onward!

resolution for this week

2009-01-02T09:19:00.001-08:00

my resolution for this week... and i'm counting until next friday:

1) 35-15= 20 uploads, 15 specific uploads of resume.
2) design for my sister's decal
3) carve & paint decal for my sister
4) paint on the darned canvases i have
5) article on rock
6) learn two more bars of "lately" (at least 30 minutes/day)
7) practice rumba on guitar (at least 30 minutes/day)
8) watch "bad education" and "jesus camp"
9) plan finances for the year on mint and PRINT IT OUT!
10) write my 2 year plan of action
11) share my goals with people so that i can more readily hold myself accountable

almost 2009!

2008-12-31T08:53:00.000-08:00

it is almost 2009...! what a year. what a year. that is all i can say. so it seems like everyone and their mama are getting married or having kids or are making some type of huge transition in their lives... whether it be changing their career paths, dealing with unemployment, moving, moving on, creating a new sense of self and self-image, or traveling... i am in a much different place than i was last year. definitely more willing to welcome the unexpected with open arms and to move on from energy that has the tendency to weigh me down. life, thus far, has been an endless journey and i can't wait to experience how next year unfolds!

i wonder wonder wonder wonder hmph.

2008-09-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

It is total cliche in many a movie to explore the what if's wonderments and things that could have been. Remember "Sliding Doors"? I feel like I'm in that limbo right now. Mostly with the wondering about where I would be now if I decided to settle. Most certainly, I'd probably be miserable looking for a way out and an escape to explore the possibilities that I left untapped. Hmph. I guess something did come out of those few years that emotionally rollercoastered me all over the place.

wow.

2008-08-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

I started school. It's going to be good. ! :) Because, School is Cool.
Tomorrow, beach party.
Today, chillin and trying to fall asleep.
Past doos moving behind me as I keep on moving. Thank goodness.

hot like fiyah

2008-08-05T09:04:00.001-07:00

What a night last night! In more ways than one, it was interesting and further testament to the strangeness and the changing landscape of relationships.

I went to Erykah Badu last night. FIRE. Seriously, she blew the stage up with her creativity, mantra, and soul. It was definitely a different performance than Janelle Monae. Erykah Badu speaks truth in a way that you can’t help but listen. She talked about occupation of native land, both locally and abroad. She talked about the need for grassroots change. For existing systems to be recognized by their puppets as systems and that the first step towards breaking those systems is for folks to recognize their own humanity and go back to their core. She is ironic, witty, and political. Mmhmm. What another great role model.

On a personal front, friendships come and go. The ones that are ride or die will stick with you until the end. I’m tired of all of the drama. Seriously, what is it with all of these folks and deciding to stop communicating verbally with me?

shakers

2008-08-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

So I have the strange tendency to be attracted to wanderlusters. They are free-moving agents of hope, creativity, inspiration, and dreams. As I get older, the more I have to remind myself to not lose myself to the ho hum conundrum of business suit wearing, Wall Street totting, bs’ers. It’s hard. But, the more I appreciate being surrounded by the beautiful free agents and movement builders in my life.

As I embark on my higher education, again… I want to be really conscious of the person that I allow myself to become… and hopefully position myself in a way for beautiful orchid-bearing growth.

Yesterday, I watched Janelle Monae perform. I don’t even have words to describe her… other than, she is an experience all her own. She uplifts and leads by example. She allows herself the space on stage to just bring it. She puts all of her energy on stage and brings passion to passion times ten. I fell in love. I want to be her friend.

I was inspired by her ability to redefine and to embody her own world. In her performance, she claims a space for herself to be the shaper and vessel of her destiny. She talks about what it means to deal with the expectations to look or dress a certain way & how to defy these expectations in every possible way.

Mmhmm. As I draw nearer and nearer to my higher education degree, I feel more and more pressure to look and present myself in a certain way. To make sure that I am conservative and hoity toity so that people can trust me. To dress in blacks, greys, and whites. I suppose in any field there are challenges… and having any semblance or workings with the public, these challenges and responsibilities are stark.

This makes it even MORE important to be grounded in who you are and what you value. Shoot, I refuse to have someone else tell me who I am supposed to be or what I’m supposed to look like.

a tangent attempt

2008-07-08T12:49:00.001-07:00

I was just reading the ?uestlove’s blog and got inspired to be a little more lax with my stream of consciousness. I have the tendency to try to order my chaos in the midst of the chaos developing. When I say chaos, I’m talking about my thought process.

As of late, I’ve been extremely consumerist. I’ve been consumption hungry, meaning, that I’ve been shopping and purchasing clothes up the wazoo. Yesterday, I used store credit to purchase a fresh jean dress—that today, I’ve paired with a bright-neon-green braided belt. Holla! I never thought that I was trendy or that I dressed well. Hah. In fact, it’s been quite the opposite. The majority of my growing up years, I was made fun of and teased for some of my outfit concoctions.

My response: Onward! Whatchu know about style!? Anyways, I think I have WAY too many belongings for my own good. In fact, this preoccupies me to the point where I’m constantly thinking of ways to reorganize or to get rid of my excess belongings.

Well, it seems easy enough to give things away, no? My strength and my weakness is… I naturally start thinking of ways to be resourceful. So in my attempts to give things away to Salvation Army, I find myself thinking about how I can make that printed skirt into a pillow or a bag.

What I wear has been a really interesting journey for me. Mostly, because what I wear is often not deemed “professional” enough. The comments weren’t just passing comments either. My most vivid memory was actually an email that was written to me but BCC to the Executive Director of the organization I worked with. WHOOMP. Slap in the face.

Honestly though, when it comes to style, I have no interest in wearing a business suit. If women become professionals, in slowly changing male dominated industries like the law, politics, and business, why should we have to succumb to man-looking styles like button down collared shirts, ties, and blazers? Blasé!

I make a conscious effort to build my wardrobe so when it comes time to dressing myself in the morning, I don’t have to think much about what I wear. Clothing very much has the power to express emotions that sometimes our words and our stance cannot. I find myself about to go into a field where it is the objectivity to deliver justice is at the forefront. Sometimes I wonder if notice of style is a stumbling block in the field I am choosing to enter.

I feel somewhat conflicted between two worlds: the imaginative and funky vs. building intellectual armor. I don’t know why the two must be separate. But I guess that is what happens when you live in a world that compartmentalizes, brands, and professionalizes services. I think there is slow movement towards folks actually acknowledging that people have layers and just because someone is accountant, their lives do not necessarily revolve around numbers 24-7.

new eyes

2008-07-07T13:36:00.001-07:00

As I run off about a billion errands that I've set myself to complete by the end of the week, I can't help but stand in awe at how different of a space I am in now, than I was last year.

Ironic that one of my errands to complete by the end of the week is to purchase contacts.

I have one more month in the place that I am working which also means I only have one more month before I start school. I’m trying to mentally prepare myself to be strong, to swallow my pride, and to just do the damned thing and move forward.

The past few months really have been a blessing in disguise and I’m ready to skateboard and boogie board my future, in whatever form it takes. I’ve met and had the opportunity to build with some amazing people, have had wonderful familial support, and have gotten to chill with friends along the way.

I’ve dusted off some MEN in my life. What is up with these males anyways? And now, I’m trying to do the best I can to maintain my independent woman status. HOLLA. In an ideal world, things would be hunky dory and there would be no external stress. Since this is not the case, I am trying to stay present.

no scrubs.

2008-05-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

Below, I’ve copied and pasted what I’ve deemed for myself, the most critical lines of the song “Scrub” by TLC.

A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly
And is also known as a buster (busta, busta...)
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time and (no)

Now, this is the part where I qualify my statements. I understand the institutions that keep folks, mostly people of color, poor. That to tell folks to pull themselves up from their bootstraps is difficult, especially when the people you are telling to do this, don’t have the boots to have bootstraps to lift up.

So, when I wholeheartedly embrace this stanza of the song: “Always talkin’ about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass”… that goes out to

All y’all financially privileged folks… that have never worked for more than 3 months, have subsisted on your parent’s income for the past 25 years, grown ass adults that debate about whether they should take the car (their parent’s gave them) or the train, have your mama’s do your laundry, pretentious musical snobs that do not understand their access of being able to readily purchase music & equipment, have no desire to budget even though you are spending someone else’s money, eternal students that haven’t had to think twice about how your education would be paid for, and folks that have little to no concept of what it means to live with other people… and still, and still… ya’ll are stingy with your money. If the best things in life were things I had to pay for or put down $400 in one sitting, I’d be one loafy and very upset woman.

However, I think we are all entitled to some type of demand and for women, especially, to take ownership of our needs and demands and to assert the rights that we believe we should have—white America does it all the time, right?

That being said, alongside TLC, I don’t want no scrub.

it is SO hot & sunny outside!

2008-04-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

holla,
ny finally decided to wake up! :) i've felt really rested the past couple of weeks & am trying to eat healthier. i have the tendency to have binges where i eat terrible food & then make a run for really healthy.
right now is one of those time periods.
i saw missy & busta perform last night... for free! woohoo. missy was on point. her dancers did a thrilla type move at the beginning & were decked out with masks. she did a medley of hits & was very efficient with her time. she should've been the main act. she has a stage presence and charisma where she didn't have to beg the audience to bounce with her.

busta, on the other hand, was a different story. i had to leave early as i was about done listening to his misogynist lyrics. at one point they squirted water on the audience where he told one of the women not to trip out because the whole thing with a busta concert is that they want folks to look like they've just been "gangbanged". ugh. i had a scowl on my face. since we were close to the stage, i made sure to hide behind folks so he couldn't see. anyways, he had to keep emphasizing that they had hits... just because the audience wasn't responding the way they wanted them to. now that is a bad sign.

prior to that, i went to union square where there was a huge tibetan protest against china. in queens, cars that have tibetan flags drive through the city with enlarged photographs of china's human rights violations.

muahhhhhhhhhh. ! :)

2008-04-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

Last week was emotionally exhausting. This week was better. The results were not so hot... and now I'm trying to think of ways that I can be there even with distance. I suppose life’s challenges never escape you. I think all the more relevant to create my series of characters. I do grow very attached to these characters… and am trying to put myself in the position where I am not SO attached to the point where I can’t let go. Coming up with characters is part cathartic &… part of growing up is learning to do just that. Let go. So, I have someone that keeps reminding me to do it. I’ve been talking about it for a year now. My friend said he would write the story. Umm. I’m thinking of only giving him characters that I am not attached to. Can you imagine? Someone else writing a story for your characters? Well, I suppose the ultimate goal is to have the characters write for themselves. Psha. And to think that I had some type of ownership?

My goals for this week:
1) Write questions for interview
2) Start logo submission
3) Apply to 3 part-time positions
4) Buy ticket to visit mi familia
5) Financial Aid
6) Create three year personal action plan
7) Create one year action plan
8) Make a character!
9) Research summer classes to take for fun

ffoiiiiiinally!

2008-03-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

hipped to a track. slow jam beat. :) me. job. yes.
that's all.

The hopefuls

2008-02-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

I talked to my friend the other day about what it means to keep your head up. She assured me, "there must be an art to it". So, one month later and 60 resumes and cover letters stronger, I am in the same place that I was about a month ago. I am headed somewhere, right?

I dunno about omens, but I always remember that woman that warned me about these two years. I thought she was part farce. But, apparently, this is the way things are looking whether it was an omen or coincidence. Tonight I put on my flashiest smile. I think I need to practice bringing my full self to the table in any upcoming interviews. Apparently, the one place that I did land isn't going to pay me anything. Now, what does that say about the things I get excited and am passionate about?

It doesn't take much

2008-02-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

New York City is supposed to be this wonderful place full of possibilities and opportunities. People flock here and look to this city as a place to fulfill their dreams.

I've never really dreamed about New York City. I liked the place but I didn't love it. And now, I'm questioning my purpose being here. I think that this is in large part because of the external uncertainty that seems to follow me wherever I go. So when worse comes to worse, you learn to be resourceful. I'm realizing that I have to constantly carve a place of certainty spiritually and internally to ground and root myself.

Keep it on and on

2008-02-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

I'm realizing how disconnected from the world I am without television. It is actually quite funny when someone asks me if I watched or heard about something that I would have needed a television. Nope. No television here.

In many ways, it has connected me to alternative forms of learning or reading about information. Instead of hearing about a breaking news story on the news, I hear things on the street and then Google or Youtube it. Of course, I was completely in the mix about hearing all the details of Heath Ledger's troubles and his life. I learned of this news at the Thai restaurant next door. However aside from Heath Ledger, I have no marker or means of measuring how much of the news I am missing out on. Not to invalidate Ledger's life...but... I think that I need a more consistent way of keeping myself informed about the world's events outside of learning more about an actor's life.

the waiting game.

2008-01-31T07:13:00.000-08:00

Manifest. I have a few friends that have the tendency to use this language for literally EVERYTHING they talk about. Often, they use it in terms of being able to submit yourself to the universe and seeing what happens next. This is a wonderful and healthy way to approach life. I feel like I've spoken to the world about my current situation, yet, there are still more people for me to contact. ! Goodness to gracious. I suppose this is the legwork of building and making contacts here. In many ways, it is putting me in touch with the things that I really want to be doing. However, this process takes time. I'm giving myself until the end of the month. I am way antsy and it's only been 2 weeks.

the things that look good in retrospect!

2008-01-30T08:15:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks have been a blur. I'm amazed how much has happened since I landed two Wednesdays ago. Today I have a plethora of meetings. The first one, I REALLY REALLY REALLY would love to land. The second one, I am crossing my fingers and hope things turn out for the best. The third one, I don't really know what to expect. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my head up and continue to be productive even in the midst of such uncertainty.

umm, thanks?

2008-01-25T06:02:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I met with a big whig of the school. Hah. Actually, I do not know if I can actually say we have big whigs. She went through an analysis of how I did last semester, drew a graph of the likelihoods of success for people with my test scores and undergrad gpa, and proceeded to tell me what the general admissions is of the school. She told me I was well above the median of whom they accept, the graphs indicate that would've scored closer to the top of my class, and that I was not an affirmative action baby. She let me know that I was actually qualified in my admittance.

What the hell? I never questioned whether or not I was a "product" of affirmative action. Plus, I do not know where she has been... but has she not read the most recent cases with grad school admissions and affirmative action? I am actually a strong proponent of affirmative action, however, find it rather interesting when and how the program is presented with a negative connotation.

She also let me know that my situation was "credible".

Sorry people if you haven't had to struggle. But it is actually not a romantic OR pretty sight.

situations

2008-01-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

Today I was as productive as I could be. I made appointments and meetings and have gotten my hustle on in more than one way. I am in urgent mode and need to pull myself up really quickly in order for things to fall into place. Financial planning and literacy has become all the more real. I am just glad that I have a natural knack of being resourceful. Otherwise, I'd be running myself into a dark financial abyss. Things are starting to pick up and everyday, I am accepting the place that I'm at. It is quite the headache but things will be okay.

no fearing.

2008-01-18T13:41:00.000-08:00

I am a little bit stressed about the turn of events. The way things are turning out. And my pride being bruised in more than one way. Trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel is a difficult process. All I know is. That as I am living life, I need to be prepared to fall flat on my face. It is definitely going to happen more than once, and it'll never stop. Resilience is being able to pick yourself and put yourself back together again.

It is a true headache. But bring it.

tripping and stumbling

2008-01-15T11:52:00.000-08:00

One of my friends that I haven't seen in 2 years never fails to send inspirational quotes. Two days ago hit the spot.

I am growing accustomed to growing and realizing all the more reason to remember that change hurts and it isn't supposed to be a smooth process.

Granted, things happen for a reason. And given my last year of uncertainty, I have no doubt that things will happen this year that I could have never dreamed of... or believed would happen. I am opening myself up to possibility and am very very very blessed to have a tight network of people.

LOVE IT. Seriously. Love it.

paranormal activity

2008-01-13T20:15:00.001-08:00

I do not think I've ever written this down or paid much attention to this since I was little. But one of my first memories is when I was a child, probably no more than 3 or 4 years old, and I described to my parents how their car was almost stolen. I saw the thief take a hanger, place it through a crack in the window, and pull the lock up. At first they couldn't believe that I had seen this or could have known or understood how to steal a car. Who comes up with that kind of idea as a child? But it really happened and they actually caught the guy in the commission of the act.

Well, recently I had an experience. I do not feel comfortable writing down details of these events, perhaps, this is why my records are dedicated solely to memory and have been orally transmitted. But all I will say, is that I think it came at the right time. It happened about one week ago and the relevance of this happening makes sense... because the feeling I had ALL day yesterday... where I couldn't sleep... is like no anxiety or stress that I've experienced before. Now that I think about it, that is the same feeling I had during and after the experience that I had but obviously in a different context.

This gives me some sense of consolation and is helping me to at least keep myself a bit grounded and rooted in my present. I guess I am writing this now so that I can remember these things more clearly in the future. Whatever ends up happening, I am sure will be for the best. I'll leave myself open.

...

2008-01-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

... and then there are some people that just make you want to gag...
you know the ones that i am talking about... i would really love to applaud you and give you a pat on the back... but really!? i just read the blog of someone from my class. anyways, in her own way... she is very nervous about not passing the first semester of law school. but i almost feel like it isn't in AS real of a ways as it is my own threat of not passing the first semester of law school. i'm scared out of my wits.

my gawd. i need to get my eyebrows threaded and my hair cut. ASAP.

2008

2007-12-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

so i guess this is the obligatory-year-end-in-review piece. since this year has been quite hectic, i will take now to reflect on a few lessons learned:

I have learned that:

1) The majority of the world is more often than not, engaged constant states of emergencies that here, in the US, we cannot fathom because the media and the news condenses things so that we can easily chew these tidbits for our own convenience. When I states of emergency, I mean sustained and systemic lack of access to resources and mothers, grandmothers, daughters, and sons not having clean or running water or food for the basic and everyday necessities for survival. I've been blessed and humbled to have people share their every day stories of resistance and survival and wake up-eat-sleep with me.

2) Fancy names and fancy accomplishments do not impress me if you do not know how to listen, laugh, smile, or maintain eye contact.

3) People surprise you. Even the most seemingly self-consumed/superficial/celebrity obsessed individuals want to help. Don't let this fool you. I will add, that possibly maybe! these people 'just want to help' because it fits in line with their desires to boost their own egos.

4) I have accumulated too many things that far exceed what i actually need.

5) As much as each of us wants to believe that each of us is the center of the universe... this is an entirely! and wholeheartedly! impossible truth.

6) A person's living situation has a tremendous impact on one's mental health.

7) Smooth talkers are often just talkers.

8) Mid-west nice: the likelihood of hearing an expletive, God's name, and please in one sentence is more common than you'd think.

9) What you think you don't have or have enough of is relative.

10) Its okay to swallow your pride and ask for help.

11) The economic depression in Michigan is palatable.

throwing things away.

2007-12-27T08:48:00.000-08:00

as i sit in my room in chicago. i realize that so much of my feeling really unmotivated... has to do with the fact that i've accumulated SO MUCH JUNK! over the past 3 years of living in this building. i don't know where everything came from. in ny, i'm trying to make a conscious effort to only have the things that are absolutely essential. things that i need. seriously. i have papers everywhere. i have nick nacks and presents that people have given to me... boxes. papers. clothes. other people's things. merch. a flag. random plastic bags. shoes i can't wear anymore. hangers. shoes. pens. candles. cds. my gawd. i'm about to engage in a deep clean... because i don't think i can do anything sitting in this mess.

perfection

2007-12-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

i admit. i can be difficult to please. and so, when something seemingly wonderful swings my way... i have the tendency to compare things. yes. i understand. you cannot compare two things because they exist independently of each other and have their own essence and flavor. true. and. to make matters more confusing. i feel like i click with almost everything and or everyone and anybody. i can't draw any distinctions! its almost like i have no concept of what is special because i believe that special bonds have their potential in almost everyone and everything that i meet. okay. so maybe that is only half true.

chicago isn't the romanticized beautiful wonderful city i somehow managed to concoct and convince everyone in new york. for now, this seems like the most stable geographical place for me. i suppose this is the appeal. my family has talked about moving since we moved to michigan. its destined to finally happen one of these days. thats what i mean. there is no real distinction with what i consider home. even more. chicago is quiet. as in REALLY quiet. maybe its the winter. maybe its the cold. alls i know, it isn't embracing me the way i was expecting it to.

ok. well. now i'm borderline not making any sense right now. so. i! will! stop! now! :)

efficiency

2007-12-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

everytime there is free time, its like i have the sudden rush to do everything that i've been wanting to do... but couldn't... because my mind was too busy being filled with other, necessary but not as exciting, legal information. right now i'm basking in chicago coffee shops. I love being able to mill around in a big city in SWEATPANTS! without feeling the constant rush to spend half my day in transit or being tempted by a menagerie of bakeries and delicious-affordable food. i'm realizing also, that chicago... at least where i used to live... is a young city. i don't see as many moms and dads or grandmas and grandpas. for the most part, the folks here are young professionals. perhaps this demographic is more common in manhattan. i am trying to work on cover letters right now. but lo and behold, i'm nervous because i don't even know if i passed first semester. whatever, i'm just going to do the applications like i did pass... and let bygones be bygones.

i have a few projects that i'm unofficially working on. yay to projects! my gawd. however, i feel the pressure to finish them all within the coming weeks... just because i've put them off for so long. now, i'm totally loafing around... when i could have been done with my cover letter way back at 10:30 am... then... i would've had time to do all of the other things i had planned for the day. my next mini goal is 2:30 pm.

brain is cooked

2007-12-18T13:41:00.000-08:00

so i think my brain has officially been cooked... maybe slow roasted. i'm ecstatic that the first semester is over. that does not, however, leave me in the clear. my last final was absolutely impossible. i don't want to think about it.

i'm going back to chicago tomorrow. i am excited! i haven't seen people in almost half a year... it feels like... we'll see how that goes. whenever i leave an old city to live in a new one... its always interesting to see how i reconnect with what seems to be! distant past.

i chilled with some new yawk folks before i left. i like meeting new people and building new relationships. :) the only thing is. i feel like i'm always missing something. when i'm not in chicago, i'm missing someone's bday or one of my girlfriend's developments with a new crush. when i'm not in michigan or california, i'm missing getting to watch my cousins grow up and be a more constant figure in their lives. when i'm in ny, i feel like everything that is everything is just far away. plain and simple.

eventually, i'll be settled down and i'll hopefully have one place that i can refer to as home. i think that moving around too much is bad for our psyche. it makes things too confusing. this year... and at this point in my life... is the first time that i can say with conviction, exactly what i want. i'm ready! bring it on life.

brain fry

2007-11-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

my brain is slowly frying.

the countdown begins

2007-11-26T07:09:00.001-08:00

the countdown to being kicked out of the apartment begins. we still haven't found an apartment... we have a prospect! that my roomie just went to check out yesterday w our broker who is a tad shady and hella flirtatious. i really broke down this weekend about the whole situation. i wasn't expecting it and i guess i had everything bottled up and muffled behind laughter and the ridiculity of it all.

i feel desensitized. nothing surprises me anymore.

it took the cake when my roomie called me to let me know that they had actually put a full on lechon in my room in addition to a refrigerator... all without my consent. they conveniently pushed my things to the side to make room for the lechon. what jerks. for those of you that do not know what lechon is...

yup. so that mug was sitting in my room. don't they know my experiences w lechon as a child? my gawd. to think that they would at least have the integrity to ask me if they could put that in my room. of course not. because technically it is "their house"... we just pay for almost all of their rent. cheap cheap cheap and illegal skates.

to make matters worse, things have been escalating in the apartment. meaning, more fights between said couple, psychological abuse, and possible physical violence. i'm so glad that we are leaving. yah, technically, they cannot kick us out without a 30 day eviction notice. they probably do not want anything else on record. so. that is that. the irony of the situation is... they are kicking us out to make room for people that are going to be evicted from their apartment.

stevieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2007-11-15T04:49:00.000-08:00

my gawd. that was the most beautiful concert EVER!! i'm so glad i went... it was so worth getting little to no sleep in the midst of being in law school. hah. i rocked HARD... and am a bit sore today... :)

stevie trippin

2007-11-12T10:48:00.001-08:00

i'm still trippin over this stevie wonder situation.
:-/

music and romance

2007-11-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

i never realized how much i want my partner to be compatible w me musically. it is huge. and sorry people, if you can't chill w stevie wonder, i'm afraid we can't hang. i responded rather violently to being offered tix to the show this wednesday. i was angry bec. i don't think this person really even knows who stevie wonder is... like... why should he be able to have tix when he isn't that big of a fan. in many ways, it is unfair to me.

i was able to have a bit of sense knocked into me... by a friend that told me that perhaps the music doesn't resonate w people as it does me... and that is okay! people are different!

it is true. people are different. but come on! do you know how beautiful it is to have someone be able to diagnose the perfect song for your mood? or to have someone know you so well that they have your musical rhythm down... PAT! and then... i'm not even going to stop there... to have these rhythms essentially transcend musical genres and categories! and across oceans!... that it doesn't matter if it is rock-heavy or neo-soul, the person still has such an innate respect and understanding for your beat. they still know what jam to play for you to get your blood to pump some dance back into you.

what a unique relationship. i'm blown. i mean. woh. we even had the vibrant colors and don't-stop-dancing-until-you-drop friendship. and now i'm realizing and starting to appreciate said relationship more. :) weird. said person, i think i fell in love w your itunes.

anyways, i feel like i want to go w someone that truly truly has an appreciation for the music. that really knows what it is like to be utterly in love w the work of such a dynamic and complex musician. stevie's voice sends chills up my spine.

this person that has tix really knows my weakness. dayam guy, can you make things any more difficult? what is it w these people and wooing folks through stevie wonder. i feel like it should be against the law. you almost got me w "golden lady". but come on! tix to the concert, you've got to be joking me.

obsessively checking email

2007-11-11T09:21:00.001-08:00

I'm obsessively checking my email. My phone died this weekend. Probably for good reason. Oh the irony. I don't know why. But I check my email at least 3-4 times within the duration of hour. That is, when I have access to a computer and the internet. Right now, I'm sitting in Union Square and typing my memo. I'm starting to get into the school thing. This is good. I feel much more focused than I was when the semester first started. Had a couple of run-ins this week. The first one being that we are being kicked out Dec. 1. This is fine. I'm not struggling in that I have an amazing community of family and friends AND I have people that have offered assistance in the event that we have no place to stay. Things could be much worse.

I have, however, had a few conversations w people about the situation... to which they respond: that is fascinating! what a great experience! what great writing material! write that down! Now, this really throws me off. Sometimes I feel like people live to write. It feels like writers sometimes seek out opportunities so that they write it down and have some material. I find this even more interesting than MY experience. I mean, really? What is so fascinating and wonderful about having a strange roommate situation and an unhealthy living environment? I suppose writing these things down help to refashion your reality into something that is more malleable.

get back get back you don't know me like that

2007-11-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHH! I feel like I either have lots of drama in my life or I am just a really dramatic person. I left/lost my book I need for class tomorrow. Watch, I'm going to get called on the one day that I do not read. MY GAWD.

transitions and mergers

2007-11-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

Last week the toilet overflowed and this morning, it happened again. I had to find the string connected to the plug looking thing and put my hand where the toilet boil fills up...how technical, I know... I tried to stop the water from spilling out, but alas. I feel like its deja vu each time it happens. I'm not sure why I'm surprised. Now there are two mops chilling alongside the wall of the bathroom. I'm hoping that the huge puddle of water will somehow evaporate into the air so that there isn't as much water to mop up. Out of this morning's fiasco, I think I was smart about how I moved forward w this potentially BIGGER CLEANUP. I didn't go to the bathroom before it overflowed. Can you imagine?

I have papers sprawled out in my room before and am frantically trying to organize my school materials. I said that we are moving out and want our housing deposit back. We have November covered. I'm nervous about housing and that they'll kick us out in December. :/ My friends keep encouraging and saying to move out... essentially telling me that I have the financial privilege to not live in this situation.
Well... actually.

Anyways, didn't want to go that much into the woodworkings of thangs... but you catch my drift.

I'm making friends at school. This entire week I've had a good, hearty laugh. There are a few folks that I really have been connecting w. Its refreshing. The one thing is... I can't imagine many of my worlds merging. I know that there would be conflict and lots of disagreements. Sometimes I feel in the middle of these messes and often question my own concept of morality.

on aging...

2007-10-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm getting SO old... goodness... its weird not feeling like a 'youth' anymore... I think that its starting to hit me physically, that I can't pull allnighters, go out and party, do my hwk, go to work, AND engage in extracurricular activities... mayn, by the end of the day, I'm already beat!

i have mad bite.

2007-10-30T21:08:00.001-07:00

I have mad bites on my arms. So. so. itchy. We have mice in our apartment AGAIN. (yuck)...
and YAY! I have a friend coming in tonight.

the case of the giggles

2007-10-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend spurred bouts of giggles. I think it was partially the folks that I spent time with, part crying-on two occassions-- from onion juices just kicking it in the air, and part laughing at the absurdity of baby carriages that are covered w plastic... to you know... keep babies dry and surrounded by flexible and zippable plastic-vinyl.

Well, thankfully, this 'tude carried into yesterday and today... where everything is absolutely hilarious to me. I laughed so hard in the library today, that I had to walk it out, keeled over. I think it also has something to do w the fact that last week was an intense emotional week.

Thus is life.! and yay for giggles!

subwayin and new yawsayin

2007-10-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

This past weekend has been a blur. Not because I feel like I've been uber busy, but because there has been so much that has happened within 72 hours, that I am convinced that somehow, three days got confused w three weeks. I think New York does that to you. Being in transit for most of the day-even moreso than in Chicago- I feel like everytime I'm submerged underground, I just can't wait and am itching to breathe some air. I would say clean, but you know... we're in New York. It also doesn't help that there is an Abestos Abatement sign at all of the train platforms that I take on the daily.

Yesterday was different and well worth the 1.5 hour trip to Jersey City. I connected w Chi-town folks. I was so hungry, and so excited to eat, that I ordered the same thing as my friend. To my surprise, the introduction between the Paneer Kati and my mouth... was QUICK! and abrasive. The air in the restaurant was so onion-potent that my eyes already watered on contact. Haha. So, in between sweating, drinking tons of water, and crying bec. of all the spice... we decided to order Chicken Biryani. It tasted like fire. Yep, so twice burned.

By the time we started cooking our really fancy but simple meal of skewers, palitaw, and coconut rice, I was out...
I even ended up falling asleep on the sofa... so yep, the crazy folks and situations on the train became an aferthought. What man spending one hour putting handcuffs on himself and taking them off again? What fratboy guys dressed like Spartans talking about how women are "nurturing"?

So I gave this weekend an okay for the crazies... mostly bec. it was Halloween weekend. What do you expect? Thank goodness though, got to see my sis and also my other homies this weekend to remind me what home looks like even in the midst of halloween frenzy, everyday NY power-hungry folks, concrete, and high rise buildings.

musics

2007-10-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

I have built an unhealthy addiction to ILIKE! It is a music testing game on Facebook and I heart it. The funny thing about me loving it... is that I'm not doing so hot w the actual music trivia. I rationalize it like so...
all of the genres that they have is from popular music-music on the radio. Since I do not regularly listen to the radio, I am at a disadvantage... Akon, T.I., Sean Paul, and Creed is not my preferred music... Anyways, needless to say, I played it nonstop yesterday... and my roommate is hooked as well.

2007-10-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

ben... comment!
ok. now that that is done. i'm procrastinating like crazy... actually, i'm not procrastinating... just don't know how this paper is taking me this effing long.
UGH.

demise of organizations

2007-10-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

so so so. sad. right now... i'm avoiding engaging in some conversations and talking to specific folks... bec. i don't think i have the emotional capacity to discuss these things... and right now i need to focus on school and do what i gotta do to move forward. basically, do me. yep. lots of stressful things going on... and its kind of hard bec. i can't fully disconnect myself bec. there are individual personalities involved and systemic issues happening. BLAH. is all i'm gonna say. AND LA dAAAAAA dA DAA.

seriously, i don't have time for drama in my life. and i know you can't really escape it... and in life, sometimes you just gotta roll w it. i keep saying this... and i'll keep saying it...

but thats why movements stop rolling. people's egos get in the way.
they become too loud and too proud.
people think that they are the movement.
they take leadership and hold onto it for dear life.
and then they constantly get props for other people's work.
its some f-d up ish.

but really politics is kind of the least of my concerns right now.
i have too many other things on my mind.

homicide blog

2007-10-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm in law school right now and I'm supposed to be reading for my class. Instead, I stumbled across a Homicide Blog that strives to document all of the murders in LA County. In the comforts of my own home and without having to think about or see death on an every day basis, I read the names and the stories of teenagers and little people killed... and the stories and memories of surviving members of the family.

There are over 700 documented murders in the blog... and of course, there will most likely be more funerals and more killings documented... as according to the blog, there is an average of 3 homicides/day. Yup. And of course, these are the stories that rarely, if ever, get covered.

rents

2007-10-13T09:26:00.001-07:00

In the face of adversity, I really don't know how my rents carry themselves with so much grace. And... they still manage to help everyone out. My mom is the go-to person when things are going out of wack... she never talks about it... all I see and hear about is the added stress that comes being the current and sole financial provider in my immediate family. Still... she is the go-to person... and still... she never turns anyone away.

Just the thought of thinking about my family being separated again makes me upset. It makes me upset that a country that esteems financial success is one of the only methods of survival pisses me off. So of course, the hardworkers the people that work overtime AND then some... aren't even given the opportunity to have health leave... when their job is the very reason why they have carpel tunnel syndrome... you are a hospital! for crying out loud... learn how to take care of your own staff. And of course, one of the best ways to keep people complacent is to make them believe that they can easily replace you with a robot. That the value of your work can easily be carried out by a computer more effectively and more efficiently.

Pieces of shits.

on the train

2007-10-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

Mayn. There are just some people in this world... where you wonder... how they got so much gosh darned charisma and charm packed into one smile... that the shine off of their uber white teeth literally bounces light back into their eyes. I swear that these types of people have been done used to having twinkles in their eye. ! See. It impacted me so that I felt compelled to write about it.

RAIN RAIN !

2007-10-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

It poured today. The kind of pour where you can't cross the street without having to long jump at least 10 feet to avoid stepping ankle deep into nasty city rain water. Just a couple of months ago I was taking a shower in rain... today I trailed behind people smart enough to bring their umbrella.

I am completely and utterly disheartened with school right now. Something just ain't clicking... I sent emails to profs, tas and basically everyone and their mama.

Everything that I’ve thought I’ve learned… seems to be mal-aligned. I’ve never felt so lost as I have being in grad school. I feel like I have no grounding, every experience, every conversation, every connection, and every relationship I’ve made until this point, does not matter when you have to regurgitate and apply doctrine written and enforced by old white men.

What. The. Heck. I know. The best thing to do right now is to swallow my pride and to recognize that I need help, big time. I keep trying to remember why I'm in school... and the experiences and the way I've seen family members disempowered by the very system that is supposed to protect our rights and dignity as human beings.

Really, I am not doing this for myself... as much as I'm doing it because I feel like it is so necessary... how much access does the reasonable person really have to determine whether or not they are acting reasonably? A year ago, my aunt pulled me to the side while I helped her cook. She thanked me for understanding and that hopefully I'd be able to help people that are in her situation... people that don't have a voice... and aren't even afforded the education to find out what limited rights they might even have.

I know it sounds idealistic. And I know that "doing good" can sound overly romanticized...but damn. I'm ready... if only I could freaking understand what people are saying in class for these things to sink in.

Ok. Thats that. Let it rain and clear it outttttttt!

city living

2007-10-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't lived in that many different environments to know for complete certain... but NYC is a very funny and extreme place to live. Here we go.

1) a couple of weeks ago, after coming back from Jersey City, I stepped on something squishy and crunchy at the same time. It was a bird. The irony and what had me at awe was that a free-flowing-free-moving-body could run into its own reflection in a building, FALL onto the NYC city pavement... only to be stepped on by me. Luckily, I wasn't wearing my backpack... otherwise I would have added another 48 quarts of weight to the bird's dead body.

2) in my attempts to be inconspicuous and to just chat it up by the Duane Reade on the phone, a man that I had already crossed paths with once that day... stopped in front of me and doo wopped shawada wada.

3) while waiting for the bus, a very large white truck pulled up to next to where i was standing... and the drivers began unloading the carcasses of pigs. There were probably over 50 pigs in that truck.

4) in celebration of the carcasses of dead animals, I was also confronted w a dead goat being entered into the back of a truck.
Who would've thunk that my only connections and meetings with animal would happen like this?

So... as I prepare myself to make a trip out to Manhattan and to possibly make a purchase some hot sneakers or a white-creme sweater that is multi-purpose and to study at a coffee shop. Woh and ode to capitalism. I guess I should also probably tell you.. that I've had multiple almost buys... and I'm trying to stop eating meat and drinking as much coffee...

secrets

2007-10-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

There is a game that I've played a couple of times called "secrets". Its where you divulge something people do not know about you. These secrets can be crazy, hilarious, out-of-the-ordinary, absurd and embarassing things about yourself. I never really liked the game and I have played it a number of times, only to share things I wish I could've taken back and to be completely candid with other people about things that I haven't been candid with myself.

So I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm a free spirit. I never really embraced that term when other people defined me as such 1) because I don't want others to define who they think I am 2) because I overthink and overanalyze 3) because I have the tendency to be a walking oxymoron and usurp and leave behind things that I once held onto for dear life.

Secret #1: The transience and my need for constant movement bothers me. If I had the mentality of wanting to settle down w a dog behind a white picket fence and live in the suburbs, I might just do that in a heartbeat. But to be real, that ain't my thang.

Secret #2: If I had the opportunity, I would drop everything that I am doing now, to try something new. I am extremely fickle... and even though change scares me, it is this fear that drives me to be adventurous... like. that.

Secret #3: I have a secret desire to be famous. While I am not actively seeking celebrity, a 'lil bit of fame once in awhile wouldn't hurt.

Secret #4: I am feeling extremely antsy in law school. I don't know if it is going to get better... and I'm both disheartened by my current progress, but not sure if I have enough passion and drive in this field to keep me pushing forward.

Secret #5: I have thought about entering monastic life.

Secret #6: The only place that I feel like I've ever fit in... in my life... has been in my own body. I've always craved that this internal reality meet my external environment.

past creeps back

2007-10-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

So it kind of seems that as of late, my theme and mantra has been "that isn't my style." Right now I'm probably being cryptic. Who would've thunk that the goodness to gracious Internet would be so amazing and so extensive, that you can't help but be connected to people in your past that sometimes you would rather forget about. Here is where the trick comes in and makes things a bit more confusing. My issue right now, isn't that this past isn't very terrible or forboding, but that it is putting me in a place of memory... where many of the memories were fond... and where it ended up taking up a huge chunk of my formative life. I would never have thought I would be at the place I am right now... to be talking about this in retrospect... but I ain't gonna lie, I do think about it on occassion. Wish I didn't have the space to think about it... and when I make these wishes... they somehow still manage to communicate themselves in my dreams.

But aside from all of this mumbo jumbo, I know deep in my heart that life is often unplanned and carves out and creates trips to open ourselves to other hearts and people that we never anticipated on ever meeting... or falling for!

Mayn, if only we could control these things.

enough is never enough

2007-09-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't written this blog in awhile. I think that is in large part, because I haven't really had time to process... life is really fast in NY... and by the time you make it from point A to point B... you are either in a hurry to be somewhere else, or too physically tired to do anything else.

I'm in school right now... and while its been really difficult trying to get adjusted to "school life"... I'm really craving becoming involved in other avenues. I feel like I've been on a hiatus... am not at my peak (I guess I shouldn't be since I'm still in school)... and in many ways, am feeling like I should be doing more.

I should have more time to spend with my family, I should be getting ready to settle down. I should have other extracurricular activities working w different agencies. I should be doing lots of things... to be honest though. I think that saying "should" all the time can reach the point of self-loathing... and we don't want to spend all of our time doing that... when we could be taking action steps to move forward... right!?

This weekend, I should be studying for midterms!

I think I'm in thick of higher education right now... and it takes so much work and discipline. But I'm really trying to stay focused and finish one step at a time and to really be able to embrace how far I've been able to come.

YAY! for midterms... I think as long I as I keep that mentality... things will be alright.

reflection

2007-08-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

a year ago... i would not imagine that i would be where i am now... with all of the experiences... anticipated and unanticipated... that i've experienced within the last year. and lemme tell you... the crazy thing about this year... has been that i was not looking for change... and i was not looking for new experiences... i feel like i've been blessed... to have a path literally carved out for me.

this month has been extremely nomadic. i have multiple addresses... where things are just getting 'sent' to... i've been on a plane almost every week for the past month and half... and i'm living in a new city. i've had some growing... some changing... and lots of transition... that is for real and has for real, just been blowing me away. i've met some pretty amazing people along the way... and have solidified who i am as a person... and also... what i look for in other people and how i spend my time. i guess that is what aging does? hah.

i've snapped, been at my wits end, and have really been challenged by a number of things that have really tested my family. i do eventually want to live close to home and blood family... and am hoping... that things come full circle... so that when i am actually ready to settle down... i'll be able to make this work.

this is the first time in awhile that i've given myself time to process... and to think about the last couple of weeks... and plan to post more detailed entries in the coming days. i have committed myself to reflection in between the times that i'm doing work for school or studying. law school is a trip... and after the first week of classes... am finding myself in school taking classes from literally 9-5 pm. i dunno why i didn't believe folks when they said that the first year of law school is crazy. in almost every class... i'm taking six... i've read between 50-100 pgs. this past week.

phew.

ummmmmm.

2007-07-17T05:05:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 7 in the morning. Had some really good conversation last night that put my current bind in a state of just complete coolness. Yes, I'm confident that things fall into place and pick up where they are supposed to... that is part of movement building. I actually don't want to move anymore... boo. I love this city... again! w a passion. Hooray Chicago! It really is like a longstanding love affair. I think going to new places... you are kind of forced to find a second family... and build a home away from home. I definitely have that here... and I can't wait to come back to it.

writin and doodlin

2007-07-15T03:11:00.001-07:00

There was a point a few years ago... that I journaled every day... in every possible way. For example. I wrote in Xanga, I wrote in my visual/written/doodle journal, I wrote in my mole skin that I used for rants about work, emails to myself and to friends, and I typed myself clean in Word documents.

Lately, I haven't been expressing myself in written form. Verbal communication has never been easy for me... that is why I decided to hone my skills by writing as much as possible! I find myself in these binds often. Where I do not think anything I do is worth sharing or showing, simply bec. I see the intermediary stages as something that I'm still trying to perfect.

These past few years have been an interesting move away from this self-reflection and obsession with waiting until something is "just right"... to really embracing the process. I keep talking about the process like its a person... even the seemingly most accomplished writers/artists/musicians/professionals never seem to be fully satifisfied with their productions...

en why

2007-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

yep. i think that being in different places helps shape your perspective... i think i've been too focused on my external environment... so yesterday i disliked being in nyc w a passion. today is a little different.

i think the main thing is... i need to feel more grounded in what i am doing and the direction that i see myself moving in. i have a hard time trusting. so i think this can sometimes carry into how much i trust the decisions that i make.

i'm hungry and because of this... would love to order a new york bagel. haha.
umm. yeh.

to tell the truth. i think the biggest thing that i am resisting... is change! so any excuse that i can concoct NOT to do something... is kind of how i feel my flow is.

wah wahhhhh

2007-07-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

i'm going to nyc tomorrow. i'm a little nervous... but really going to try to
flow w things. i kind of don't want to go by myself... but it looks like
i can't always have a travel companion... wouldn't get to do half the things
i want to do if i thought that way.

my heart is in chicago, but my logic is pulling me to nyc. i know folks in
nyc... but it is really hard adjusting to a large city... in general its not easy
finding ride or die friends... it takes a minute to build that respect and trust.
i am not really going to be leaving anything behind... in terms of a job or a
career that i've built for myself.

my networks are in chicago... but honestly,
have been seeing them more in the light of neighborhood mumbo jumbs.
and yes, i know that nyc will prob. manifest this same mentality but on a
larger scale... but i kinda would like to try something different. so its either nyc/
chicago/san diego.

i dunno.

in addition!
little insinuations about one of my situations has made me more confident
about the decisions i've made up until this point. i like how time has the ability
to smooth things over. what is up w these mactivists.
hmm hmm hmm? mayn. the world is too small and everyone knows each other.

hoopla!

2007-07-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

so the hoooooopla of going around the continental united states
catches me about every couple of weeks. i get restless.

type type type

2007-06-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

can you say hair weaves extensions hot rollers
bladder control celebrity styles how often do
you go to the salon how much do you spend what
do you like most about us what kind of makeup
do you use what is a must have style for this
season and beyond celebrity interviews being
couped up in a building about 35 stories up in
the sky transcribing in front of a computer
until your eyeballs pop out.

honestly do not know how 9-5ers do it.
esp. when the content seems so focused on
capturing the latest trend and figuring out how to
replicate instead of stressing managing time to
to create and build.

not my cup o tea. so yes, i'll be busy for the
rest of the summer.

hah.

more thoughts on transition

2007-06-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

i think i've gotten so used to resisting this period of
complete uncertainty... to the point where now... i can
officially say that i'm FULLY embracing this stage w
hecka wide arms! :) even though my immediate plans
are to go to school in the fall... i'm still not tied to
to anything. really. i wonder. i love love love love
that i am just taking it easy right now. the temping
thang is working for the time being... yay!
i never really had much of a focus other than focusing
on doing things that i am really moved by or passionate
about... in the end, things are going to be okay.

itchy

2007-06-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

my nose is incredibly itchy ... right... about...
NOW! boo to itchy noses. i never thought that
i had allergies. i always thought it was a hoax
when someone said i can't do blah blah... bec.
of my allergies. but yah. since i haven't
been to the doctor in a minute... maybe this
is what i should ask about once the opportunity arises.

DURTY SOUTHHH

2007-06-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I went to an Incite! event... which really opened my eyes to thinking about a global south.
Everywhere you are in the country... the south side, down south... etc. have limited resources in comparison to its northern counterpart.

I've been thinking about Alabama. Maybe it has something to do w seeing my Alabama people last week... or the fact that I might be going down south for the social forum... But the more I think about the opportunities available for elementary aged kids up north... their incredibly packed schedules... the abundance of arts-based and cultural programs available to students in the city... all I can think of is WOW.

These kinds of things did not exist when I lived down there. Being a person of any type of color, you are forced to conform and assimilate to the culture... or create your own darned outlets. So now any time people say that there are limited resources... I always wonder in relationship to whom/what?

Memory

2007-06-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

In highschool, I walked downstairs into the kitchen, to catch my mom crying as she did the dishes. If I hadn't looked into her eyes, I wouldn't have seen how red they really were. I asked her why she cried. She said that sometimes memory chases you and sometimes you have no other release but to cry. She told me that she missed Auntie.

Its hard. It has been two years since my Lola's death and I still think about her CONSTANTLY. If ever I were to say I had a soul mate, she was mine and I was lucky enough to meet her. This morning, I woke up thinking about the years leading up to her death. My family did not admit her into a hospice or into a nursing home. My parents rearranged their work schedules so that someone would be with her almost 24 hours of the day. My sister and I would help during our breaks.

We couldn't leave the house.

See, when you get much older, I think that you become much more sensitive and aware of being by yourself. The night that I decided to sneak out for a 15 minute run at 12:00 pm with friends, I came home to my grandmother waiting in the kitchen with a bruise covering the whole right side of her face. She fell down the stairs because she was looking for me. She was worried about where I had gone.

During the day I would take her to the grocery store, walk her around the block, go to English Gardens to look at the plants, give her facials/pedicures, read books to her, and get the mail for her. When my dad would come home, she would excitedly tell him what we did that day. At night, her room was next to mine. When she could still walk, she would wake up around 3 am every night and walk to the bathroom. She would peek into my room to make sure I was still there. A couple of nights she cried by my door and told me she was scared.

She stopped being able to talk in full sentences about one year before she passed. Those couple of nights that she said she was scared, she asked me to sleep next to her. I think that she liked the feeling of having someone by her side. I had the tendency to hug her like a pillow. However, she expressed that this was very uncomfortable for her. She had a frail body. To this day, I'm not sure what she was scared about. Knowing her, she was frightful about what the future had in store for her.

When we took her to the airport the last time, I ran across the airport floor while I pushed her in her wheelchair. I always emphasized that just cause she was in a wheelchair didn't mean she couldn't have fun. In a muffled laugh, she yelped like she was riding a rollercoaster. It worked out and laughter squared. My laughs muffled my own uncertainty and sadness. It was the hardest goodbye I've had to do in my still young life. I knew I would never see her again.

On the plane ride to the Philippines she cried to my parents. She didn't want to be left behind in the Philippines. She thought it was too hot and had too many mosquitos. My parents said they hugged her and let her know that everything would be okay.

Even in age we do not become immune to insecurities or wanting and needing people around us. The best thing that we can do for ourselves is to tackle tomorrow with a fierceness and no-regrets type attitude. So as far as I try to run away from memories and emotions beyond my control, in the end, you just gotta roll with it. Life is too short.

gut talk

2007-06-09T06:09:00.001-07:00

I think that my gut talks to me often. I base the majority of the interactions I have on whether or not I get a good feeling about someone. It isn't me so much that makes that decision. Shady folks usually have heavy air hovering around them.

I have been blessed to be inspired on the daily by friends that share similar life philosophies and even more, follow their passions. I hear that the closer you are to following your true life path the more you come in contact with your true life
companions.

Things are slowly falling into place and strangely, is not alleviating any past stresses that I had when things were out of place. Which leads me to believe that any type of stress that we carry is not worth having. So buck up! and cultivate those areas of your life that feed you and that help make you, you! and a stronger person! It may be difficult to find at first, I definitely struggle at times... trying to constantly calibrate myself and maintain a sense of balance.

Filipino Overseas Contract Workers

2007-05-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

Filipinos are second to Mexicans in comprising the largest migrant population in the world. When I was in Italy, this is how we found our way around. Especially in Rome. We took public transportation everywhere and met a number of Filipinas working abroad. When we couldn't figure out which train to go on, we made friends with people that spoke Tagalog.

Each time we met someone, they told us that we would have no trouble getting around. "Filipinos are everywhere," they said.

One woman was already 63 years old. She told us she was waiting to retire so that she could finally join her family in California. She had been waiting for the past 20-30 years to join them. We saw her about two hours after our initial meeting. The second time we saw her, she was mopping the same section that we had first seen her cleaning... a second time. We expressed how ridiculous it was that she would have to mop the same area of the train station for her entire shift. She agreed but answered that it was for the tourists and the "queens".

It is very strategic to place workers abroad. They are disconnected from their family and friends so a coping mechanism can easily be... working uber hard so that you forget about your longing for home.

The sisters and communications

2007-05-28T05:21:00.001-07:00

I have decided to document my trips before they all become a blur. I will write in installments.

Let me start by saying this is not your typical European tour. I did not backpack Europe with homies or hit up bars. Instead, I travelled with my parents, about 15 of their friends, and my pseudo aunt whom I have not seen for the past 18 years. My pseudo aunt is significant because she paid for much of my trip. She is also the person whom I attribute my first memory of acknowledging my own persistance and determination. I still remember her holding my hand as I wobbled my first steps in an attempt to walk.

Thus is life. We stayed in Rome for about one week and stayed with Carmelite sisters. If you can imagine an inconspicuous convent amidst residential housing, hearing an opera singer belting out music in the middle of the night, a grandmother sticking her head out of the window and yelling in Italian that the food is ready, a neighborhood gelato spot at the end of the street, waking up to Carmelite sisters reciting daily meditations and chants at 7 am every morning, and a courtyard in the middle of the building with clothes hanging out to dry... this! is what I experienced...

in addition to...

The other people in the wedding party speaking in Tagalog excitedly, constantly beckoning the assistance of "sister, sister", laughing, and always always receiving the stern glare and reprimands from the sisters for being too rowdy. In addition to coming back to the convent late at night, waking up the sisters on numerous occassions, being accused by the sisters that we stole their cooking pots, and the adults 'accidentally' drinking all of the altar wine... I think we were borderline nightmare.

See. It would be one thing if we at least had language in common. However, the Carmelite sisters were from a small village in India and spoke in a dialect that was far from Gujarati or Hindi. I know this because my mom's best friend speaks both Gujarati and Hindi and... of course... because she is from the country of India... would know how to communicate with the sisters because they too! were from the country of India (can you hear my sarcasm?) Yes. Nafisa was often called over to try to translate what the sisters were saying into English.

Needless to say, I bought an Italian grammar book and attempted alleviating their disdain for us by speaking the limited Italian I had JUST learned. Bonjorno! (Good Day), Come sta? (how are you?) Tutti bene (very good) Prego (multiple meanings... but I learned you can use it like 'okay'). It amused one of the sisters... the other ones... not so much.

Surprisingly outside of the convent, we were able to communicate our needs much more successfully. There is a large Filipino overseas contract worker population living in Rome. Because of this, many Italian store owners knew how to say Kumusta ka (how are you), Magandang gabi (Good Day), Salamat (Thank you), and Mura (Cheap). One store owner even proceeded to discuss the beauty of Filipino people and had evidence. He showed us photographs of his Filipina wife and mixed Italian-Filipino son. My mom of course, not being able to hide the expressions on her face, did not pat him on the back and say that is great. She retorted with a suspicious look on her face and essentially let him know that did not mean much to her if he wasn't going to give her a discount.

The overseas contract worker population in Italy and the political/social implications warrants deeper discussion in another post.

denying the undeniable

2007-05-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

I think I denied the undeniable.

strangers that cross our paths

2007-05-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am writing about someone I met the other day on the train. Mostly because I've been thinking about it for the past couple of days. Each time I somehow slump into my moods of being very moody and introverted, I find some means of comparison to remind myself of the sun shining outside.

The comparison I see in this situation is the boy I met on the train. He identifies as a queer youth... and from our conversation, I do not think he has been able to call any of his relationships or abodes home. He felt comfortable talking about his vulnerabilities. I think he wanted someone to listen.

So I listened to him tell me about older men taking advantage of, offering money in exchange for "you know", sending him notes at the library asking for a meeting in the bathroom, and waiting on the corner because there is really no choice but to.

The heavy material was interspersed with random talks about Disney films or fenagling the public transportation. We laughed quite often.

He noted that other people's Myspace pages weren't like his. Other people had pictures of themselves w friends and family. He never had those kinds of relationships. He is doing well for himself and seeking out the necessary resources to keep him safe. Plain and simple, he has looked for nurturing spaces for him to grow and he is involved.

I think I take too much forgranted.

From my room, I can see a slither of Lake Michigan propped against two buildings, I can see families swimming in the pool in Park Place, and the trees manage to make themselves look like sprouts of growth that so beautifully separate the rooftops of Chicago brownstones.

I am going to keep saying this, but it is hard to keep hope alive when it sometimes feels like being hopeful is all in vain. Things will be okay.

creative block

2007-05-23T07:03:00.001-07:00

so i'm trying to develop a practice
and continue writing everyday/participating in something creative.
yes. i'm trying to create this structure for myself...
so that i am not always scrambling around last minute
trying to capture something as fleeting as feelings.
there is definitely an art to seeing the forest amongst the trees.

we've all been there, eh?

2007-05-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like all of these entries.
are some type of lamentation
on the way the year has gone thus far.

After being financially independent and doing my thing.
It is really difficult to have to rely on other people
to help boost you up.

I am stubborn like that. I associate
asking for help with weakness.

however!
I was thinking the other day...
I do not think I would ever say I didn't have anything or little to nothing.
I have been blessed with such an extensive emotional and financial support network...
that even in the midst of being jobless... I can rely on these communities.

So instead of asking me what I did today. What I accomplished concretely
in what society deems important.
I find myself at loss of words. Because
right now, the main thing on mind is doing the work to get myself
back on track and to be quite honest...
what can I eat that is healthy and affordable.

Its a beautiful day outside?!

2007-05-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in on my bed right now with easy access to seeing the city of Chicago literally, right outside of my window. It is times like this that I have to just say out loud. I am lucky. I am not going to lie. This past couple of weeks has been really hard... and I am thinking that for the past two years... each past couple of weeks has been really difficult to get through... which leads me to the conclusion... that life is no cake walk.

And if it is a cake walk for you, good for you.

That being said... I am in a scramble to find a job... in between purchasing tickets to visit my family and spending time w friends that could care less that I cannot currently articulate what my future holds. In the midst of it all, I've had some people that have really shined as extremely supportive and caring human beings and souls.

Its funny. I talk to my parents about these things. They have such an amazing way to console and just be supportive and let me see that there is so much more to life than the job you have or the money you make. My extended family is good at this too. They could care less what you do for a living... as long as you are a good, sincere, genuine, and have a sense of humor... kudos to you.

So things have not yet flowed the way I anticipate them to flow. What I can say is.
I am hungry and I do have food to eat. AND it is a beautiful day outside. ! WOOHOO.

newly rejuvenated!

2007-04-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

I had a beautiful weekend. That I thought I might need to capture here on this internet-blog thang we have here. What started out as a Friday that was extremely stressful because of things outside of my control, my cousin quickly assured us that things would be okay. With that said, I trusted her enough to stop dead in my tracks to accept and see ways to move forward. The highlight of my weekend... of course... was when I was engaged in physical activity. To be quite honest, I have a difficult time sitting still. I need to be doing thangs.

Karaoke and kite-flying was the perfect answer!

My goodness. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.

2007-04-16T15:04:00.001-07:00

i'd like to go there

2007-04-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

i am in a whirlwind as we speak.
haha. funny how life throws punches and jabs... asking you
are you still there?
my massive amounts of laundry waits.

blinggity bling and choices

2007-04-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I scoffed at my dad when he said when it comes to choices, it often boils down to career or family life. My dad says he chose the latter.

I just came back from California. It is 4:16 am in Chicago and I feel more rested than I have in a minute or two. I connected with cousins, aunts, uncles, my grandparents, nieces, nephews, and friends. This was probably one of my favorite trips and i can't help but try to capture the memory and savor the moment of blossoming relationships.

I spent time with my Alabama people. As usual, we talked for hours and realized that our dynamic hasn't changed even through our growing stages. With Rodgie and Mark, it always goes back to staying up until 5 am telling ghost stories. And of course, me... being the only female, weasling myself into their bedroom so that I would not be alone.

I hung out with my cousins and their children and am inspired by their energy, hope, and spirit. A six year old James said today, "I'm not playing. I'm creating."

And so it goes. Even people that aren't related to you by blood are willing to go lengths to spend quality time together. Driving 8 hours just to hang out for a day is cool. Thank you.

As much as I like to emphasize building a strong familial and community connection. I feel so conflicted in trying to establish this balance. Because. It is possible to burn yourself out in volunteer work and hanging out. So I am reaching the conclusion that burnout is not externally linked. It is something that I am prone to, need to be aware of, and work on building a more rigid and consistent schedule that honors discipline, hard work, and focus.

So now. Currently at 5:45 am, I am choosing to focus on building a life for myself and opening my arms to the support my family and community so generously offers. Who else would help pick me up when I fall?

identification

2007-03-29T00:21:00.000-07:00

dang y'all.
so i never thought it would be THAT difficult to prove my
existence in the state of illinois.
apparently, i need 4 proofs of identification.
one, proof that i live in illinois
two, a valid photo id
three, a proof of my signature
four, proof that my freaking bday is valid.

sounds simple enough, eh?
but. seeing... as...
my passport and my birth certificate are in michigan...
i only have 2/4
requirements that i need to show that... i really do exist!

opinions

2007-03-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

Mayn.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have opinions.
I understand visceral response
almost to the point where I feel like
I would be so much happier
and get in so many less arguments
if I lived in perpetual un-knowing ness.

dreams

2007-03-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

there are some folks
that i try
really hard
to conjure up in my dreams
so it feels like i'm hanging out w them
even when they are not around.

honestly,
it never seems to work.

that is why...
i am always so baffled
when i make cameos in other folks' dreams
and they tell me about it.

sounds like an ideal situation
right? well
until i started thinking about it more.

i realized that i have made appearances in a couple of dreams
w/in the last couple of weeks
and i have a haunting suspicion that...
perhaps i've done or said something
that made the dreamer feel the urgency
and need to tell me a censored version of our hangout time
in dream heaven.

beautiful weather

2007-03-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

i think beautiful weather gives me the false notion that i have lots of energy
to match the sun.
this week has been amazing.
in more ways than one.
i've had my low points,
yes.
but everything seems to work out the way it is supposed to.
no use in tripping beforehand.
i've danced my heart out
three times this week.
rollerbladed miles
and walked
even more miles
been inspired
by the creative juices
and abundance of energies
of some tight teenagers.
and just
recently got a call back from one of the places i submitted a job application to.
lovely.
i've chatted it up
and shared
food
w some even doper folks.
again.
all dedicated
to doing what they are passionate about.
FULL TIME.
listening to their own rhythm
and defying any odds
held against them.

...

2007-03-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

and then!
there may just be some folks
who are socially awkward.
do you ever find yourselves in those situations
where you know that something is up
but you can't really pin it down.
i find myself in these situations often.
i don't know how to respond
other than to not respond.
this is when i feel most silenced and have nothing to say.
bleh.

dance, dance, dance?!

2007-03-11T01:48:00.000-08:00

For some reason, it
amuses me...
to read about my past's life. i think
part of it has to do w
my curiousity.
another has to do w my complete fascination and
part annoyance w the whole situation.
it was disrespectful
and too much.
i couldn't handle it. and didn't even
feel like my feelings were ever validated.
before i can shake it off. which is seriously
something i'm trying to do...
i have to at least acknowledge that overwhelming feeling
of wanting to drop something... but not being able to.
sometimes i think i hold on to things too tightly.
can never quite forgive to the extent
that i probably should.
so in an effort to dance it off tonight, i couldn't.

Asking questions is dangerous

2007-03-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

Even on the most minute scale, asking questions can be dangerous.
Yesterday, I was both hired and fired... all at once.
I was told that it probably wasn't the best fit for me...
after asking questions about flex time and insurance options.
I would've at least liked my questions answered?

Suchness is thusness. I had a bad feeling about the place anyways...
especially when I saw the mostly white staff...
and
their connection to primarily of color communities to work in...
with no critical analysis of volunteerism.
When I asked, "what is your philosophy about volunteerism?"
She answered, "that is a good question, I've never been asked that before."

trusting the process

2007-03-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

i have the tendency
to think that
sometimes i'm the center of the universe
and the success or
the failure of an event
is in large part, bec.
i didn't plan it well enough.

this is misguided.
i catch myself when i start
getting frustrated
by people around me not
putting in 100%
and have to really just be able to step back
and understand
that people give what they can give.

this, in itself
is a blessing.